My Heart Aches

(I wrote this post last year and it has taken me some time to actually get up the courage to post it. I feel like that time probably should be now. This is just to clarify if things said sound like it was talking about 2019 but in fact I am just talking about 2018.)


I think that title best represents why it has taken me a while to get back on the horse and start writing stuff again. Finding passion is difficult when you are just trying to piece together yourself after a year of forced self-discovery. 2018…is certainly a milestone in my life. The feelings, the fears, the ambition, the fragility, the everything! So many conflicting emotions that push my boundaries of what I am and still at the tail end of it all I am still looking for the answers. Yes this will be a melodramatic post, yes I am going to have some dark fun with myself, and yes I suppose one could say the title may be clickbait. Funny how sometimes the honest thing can feel the most dishonest when on paper or seen through a screen. But hopefully when this is done, something happens with this blog again but no promises.

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Well first off I should probably explain me, since I don’t know who will be viewing this post. Those who have read my posts prior to this will certainly have an image of me, but while there is some truth to that I can’t honestly say that the lie is much greater. I am a circus of emotions, trapeze acts flying back and forth in my brain. That is both of my own volition and of course the actions that have created me. I remember being happy when I was younger, when life was all about Yoshi’s Story, or trading Yugioh cards. Simple things, as the cliché goes, that were just meant to spend my time. It was after watching Treasure Planet that I learned the harsh reality of the world and thus my life began to spiral. I hated life for what it was, I hated others for what they did in my own mind canon, and I hated myself for not being able to do anything. I learned at a young age that emotions just aren’t worth experiencing.

So for however many years I spiraled, putting up fragile fronts wherever I went. I destroyed things because it was fun, I played the douche and victim because I learned that both reap rewards. Yet I was never happy, the mask merely represented happiness at all times. I loved my family and thus to avoid them worrying about me I hid away and now I have a hard time conversing with them. It was like a game of hide and seek that never ended as I let it fester and spread throughout my everyday life. Family get-togethers became difficult to take part in because I just didn’t feel comfortable around others. I alienated myself not only within myself, but I did so in real life as well even snapping at people I cared about because the pressure got too much.

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At some point I reached the breaking point and the start of a long path to recovery! But as soon as the mask broke, there I was already sculpting another one from the clay of the previous. I am forever happy, because happiness makes the world go round right? That is what I structured myself around, putting on a smile. Yet this year I learned that my progress never truly happened, I just created a new lie. I was on the road to recovery and everything is fine. But I just wanted to die, every day of uncertainty driving a nail further into my coffin. I’ve wanted this to be over for so long. It was only this year that I couldn’t prepare myself and thus for the first time in a long time I was not composed. Thus we finally reach what we were going to talk about.

My ambitions this year have been a bit derailed. The plan of doing multiple posts for my 100 Follower celebration slowly faded as my desire to do anything stopped. It was like looking at a jammed clock for a while. You can see the hand weirdly twitching in the corner of your eye and you say to yourself “I have every intention of fixing that” but you don’t. It is just a constant reminder of what you should do, of fixing something, that incessant ticking sound keeping the image of the broken clock in your mind. But your limbs feel numb, your mind feels bare and eventually you just give up. The intention to fix that clock is gone and replaced with an acceptance with what is broken, but easily fixable. Then it’s the IKEA furniture you bought on a whim that is gathering dust in the corner of the room as firewood. Followed by the pile of clothes growing bigger and bigger until you realize you no longer have clean clothes. You say you are going to organize your collections, but feel like what does it matter it’ll just get messy again. Heck even those old hockey bobble heads are just staring at you while you sleep and you don’t even want to turn them despite how creepy they are. At some point, there becomes an acceptance of things just out of place.

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That is where I suppose I was for the brunt of this year. I realized that my formula wasn’t helping me through it and then after just another review, I stopped. I stopped because March/April came and following that month…came a month of being on pain medication. Horrid visions of my failures, people I feel I have let down, my crippling self-reflection, it all came in at once and haunted my days. Due to factors out of my hands, I felt my life slipping. The perfect island I had devised…it was eroding from my feet and I could do nothing to stop it, or was it that I no longer had the will to stop it? There was only some sort of void.

Wowzers that felt a bit too real! I feel like I got a bit of whiplash reading that back to myself. So of course I will take a chance to slow things down. Did you know pain medication stinks? I know right! Everyone who isn’t on it at the time will say that you are so lucky to be given this stuff for free, and then those who have experienced a similar experience will just stare at you and give a sad smile. It is this odd thing of feeling lost in your own brain that makes your mental state hell and at times your physical state Benny Hill! I became this big buffoon sometimes, where I’d say something stupid and I don’t even get to profit off it by retelling it to people. It is like this strange comedy channel that you want to watch, but unfortunately you are the TV screen. I feel like a new DLC character from Cuphead just bopping around with a TV as my head to some great music. Make sure everyone around you has a video recording device, you’ll thank me.

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Alrighty back to the heavy stuff. I suppose my world has been restructuring this month. The mind is like a maelstrom and two ships are heading on in full steam ahead. Some crazy people are there too, I see probably an octopus guy and a monkey. Though I suppose that is the mind, a weird assortment of things and always difficult to decipher even if you think you have yourself figured out.

Let’s talk a bit about that maelstrom shall we!

Remember that void I was talking about, well it swallows up everything. It gulps down will, suctions out the drive and leaves you sunken in an immobile state. It’s like a shake sucked dry by thirsty lips of some odd force that doesn’t have a discernible face. I mean you can’t even figure out who or what you should be upset at for the void has no corporeal form. It is just…there with you. Every face you look at, everything you enjoyed in your spare time, all of it becomes the void. For the void eventually starts to resemble you, as it has absorbed you. That was me. and where I was for a while. Lost in my own personal void. Tears, sobs, cries, drinks after sobering drinks, it all just fell into nothing. They could still be falling for all I know. I don’t see the bottom of the void. I guess I began fearing that at some point I would be falling in it as well, or was I just unaware that I was in a perpetual state of falling?

I just left it the way it was. I left my world out of place and accepted it. I accepted the void and accepted the thoughts that followed. I guess that is where I am now, struggling with that void. Having taken a step to realizing my limitations and decided to see if there is a ledge I can finally grab. At least then I might become stable again and feel secured enough to feel like I can start trying to find a way out of this earthly purgatory that is my mind.

I still find myself slipping back into the pain. Back into my thoughts. But I guess I am glad that it has become less constant. I am working on myself to make sure I am around for those who care about me. Even if not all of them are here anymore…And that’s something I’ll have to deal with.

I have questions that will never get answered swirling around in my head. I have problems that I know will never be solved. But coming to the point where I can live with them, I think I am starting to work towards that. Looking at myself and finally wanting to know the depths and maybe find that boy from so long ago who was honestly happy. Maybe I’ll find him someday. It would be a nice reunion.

This was a post for me. A post to get my thoughts down. If it helps someone, that’s great and I’m glad it did but I don’t know if that was the purpose. This was me trying to find that wall holding me back from things. Trying to find some answers while writing or getting over the hurdles I have been facing with maybe an epiphany. I don’t know if I did, but I sure as heck hope that I did somewhere deep down. I write to get down my emotions sometimes and I want to be truthful with myself for once in a long while.

I don’t know if I will ever post this. Though I know one thing that remains a constant even if I start back up again…

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My Heart Still Aches, but that’s alright. Pushing forward alone is something I stupidly did for too long. The only way forward is to grab hands, to accept the kindness of others and truly accept that you need help. I am not alone…it took me far too long to fully realize that. I have finally started taking the first step and stopped lying to myself. I’ve accepted that I don’t need a mask and that by lying to everyone I am merely hurting them. Now living with myself doesn’t look like an impossibility…because I have other roommates beside me in this house called life. Smiling with me, having fun and accepting me. That’s truly magical.

Wow that got a bit too schmaltzy! XD

This is Schizoidmouse signing off, I hope you enjoyed the Chronicle of me in 2018 as vague as that might be. And don’t forget to have yourself an absolutely fabulous day!


This post was a long time coming. I have finally decided to shove it out there into the world to finally try and lift the weight it has become off of my heart. I’m hoping this reinvigorates my will to write, finally having this off my chest and expressing myself honestly for the first time in a while. No mask to hide behind, nothing. I am still making that trek towards getting better, but maybe with this I can start talking again with all of you and have some fun again. Well that is if people would still read this old blog of course (it’s been quite a while). I will need to get back into the swing of things.

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Why Do I Use Hagakure as my Avatar?

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If there’s no road, you just gotta build one! Creation… Fate is telling me to remake the world! That’s…my hope!

Alright so here is the first post of five that I am doing to commemorate 100 followers. I have actually had some people come up to me before and ask me why I use one of the worst characters in Danganronpa as my avatar in so many things. Well to that comment, he is not the worst character in Danganronpa (that is reserved for Hifumi Yamada). Though that comment did kind of become a milestone post idea for me. It is not because I am here to change your minds about hating this guy, far from it because to me he is one of the more realistic characters of Danganronpa. So let’s dive into the disinteresting world of Hagakure’s life and talk about why he is my Avatar.

There will be some spoilers for the Danganronpa franchise in this post. So be wary!

Continue reading “Why Do I Use Hagakure as my Avatar?”

How Things Will be Playing out for a bit on the Blog

So here is an update after my one month hiatus! This does not mean I am back in full force however but I have a bunch of saved up things I was doing while I was gone that I will be putting up until my next surgery. Yes there is another one happening in mid-April, but I don’t want to be on break for so long. I still have to keep things moving ever so slowly!

So thanks to this I will be starting to put up more content again and hopefully in the summer of this year get started on my projects. Get started on talking to some people again on collabs and start moving forward again. The 100 follower posts are still in effect but they may take some time to do. I have one ready to go so that will also be in the bunch of posts coming starting probably tomorrow.

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I am hoping that I wasn’t gone for too long.  I look forward to being able to look at more posts again and hopefully make some comments! Here is to the future and all the mysteries it holds!

Another Leave of Absence Due to Bleh

So what sucks is I thought I was all better and healing up just fine, and come to find out that life throws ya a curve ball and says “Too bad!” It seems like there is the strong potential for more surgery (nothing serious) on the horizon which depending on what happens may put me worse for wear than I am right now, which is unfortunate. Here’s hoping it doesn’t and makes my recovery more speedy! Coupling onto the fact that I may have carpal tunnel, my blogging time has been sufficiently cut down to size unfortunately. My year of wanting to do collaborations and do more stuff on this blog is slowly slipping away from me.

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I do plan on attempting the 5 posts for my 100 follower celebration before I am put more out, but time seems to be escaping me a bit. They shall be done, but it may unfortunately take longer than was stated. February is the shortest month after all!

All that said, I will try to be reading people’s posts and commenting when I can. I may not be up for making long posts, but my long rambling comments shall not be silenced! I will try to make as much as I am still able to in the hopes that there is no need for surgery and I can focus more on my circulation problems. I don’t know when the necessity of another break will occur, just so people don’t think I dropped off the edge of the blogverse (like usual it was bound to happen again, things were going too well after all) I decided to make this post.

It’s all good and hopefully when I know I have a clean bill of health I can start doing all the things I wanted to do this year. Mainly get back to my Hunt for the Great Antagonist series of posts since it has been a while since the last one. Also those pesky best of lists that always take me far too long to decide on primarily because you constantly think to yourself “Have I watched enough?!”

On that note though I just thought it be best to let people know I shall be putting this on hold for a bit (even though I should have put this out a bit before now). When I am able to I am going to be doing a lot more, but for now I will have to yet again bid adieu for a bit. Also don’t forget to have yourselves a great day!

100 Follower Commemoration Post – A Heartfelt Thank You and One Apology (Also A few Posts I am Making for the Occasion)

So here it is the mountaintop! It seems nice up here until you realize all the other mountaintops to climb. It has taken me a while to get here, but finally after some hard work and determination I managed to trick 100 people follow me! HAHA YOU FOOLS! Little do you know that my plot has now been put into motion with this many souls now in my possession! The end of the world is nigh!

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Alright, all jokes aside I don’t know how to express my gratitude for the people who follow me. I appreciate all those who decide to look at what I write. I don’t care if a post gets 1 or 100 views in its life time so long as someone looks at it I will feel eternally grateful. For you to follow me because you liked what I wrote, now that is something just a bit more.

Continue reading “100 Follower Commemoration Post – A Heartfelt Thank You and One Apology (Also A few Posts I am Making for the Occasion)”

Another Update Post – Slight Hiatus Bedridden during Exams

So I have unfortunately dropped off the face of the blogsphere for a bit. With some unfortunate luck I have went from writing papers to writing even more papers. That wouldn’t be a problem if I wasn’t also recovering from minor surgery. Yes I am fine, it honestly isn’t anything but it will make things impossible for me while working on my assignments and resting. Medication can certainly put a damper on things.

So what does this mean for the blog moving forward? Well I will be back at some point in the near future. I have planned out two new antagonists to dissect both involving minus and despair (hint hint wink wink). I will also be finishing my Mario Party Celebration as well. These unfortunately though have no set date to when I will in fact be able to put them up as I may need to go back to surgery if something is wrong (I seriously hope there isn’t that would be a downer XD).

I want everyone who reads my posts to know that I am thankful for every time you even look at them. Even if you don’t like or comment I still appreciate you at least looking at what I wrote. To those who like and comment however I cannot thank you enough for your support over my resurgence of this blog after randomly making it on a whim and turning it into something. I have enjoyed commenting, I try to do it as much as I can (but I get ahead of myself. I am my own worst enemy). I look forward to reading and commenting on your stuff in the future. Just thank you for all that you have done for the community, for other bloggers, for just being great people and for brightening up my day when reading and thinking about your posts. To which I will return to doing or may still be able to do a tiny bit while resting!

If I don’t post by Christmas, I’ll wish you a merry Christmas right now and may all your wishes comes true. Remember to dream big, to enjoy life and have fun with everything you do. Always remain happy and smiling and I’ll be back before you know it to be that random guy who talks about stuff! Smiles for all!

Oh and don’t forget!

HAVE YOURSELF A FANTASTIC DAY!

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Unique Blogger Award Nomination – This Time it’s Prompt!

I have completed this within a month! At the very least it was around a month in my mind. Here I shall answer questions from the gracious people who gave me awards to answer from. It may always take me a while to release these when I receive them but mark my words that I will always try my best to answer those that are brought to my attention! So amidst the Mario Party marathon of top 10s here is a little nugget of personality thanks to these two great people. I cannot thank them enough for the nomination.

 

Unique Blogger Award Rules!

  • Share the link of the blogger who has shown love to you by nominating you.
  • Answer the questions.
  • In the spirit of sharing love and solidarity with our blogging family, nominate 8-13 people for the same award.
  • Ask them 3 questions.

 

Irina from I Drink and Watch Anime (drunkenanimeblog) 

1. What post was your favorite to write and why?

Well there is one I am writing right now that I am deeply enjoying looking at deeper into an antagonist that I enjoy. It will be released on a later date but of the posts I have already made so far I would have to say the Tucker and Dale vs Evil post I made since it was tweeted about on Twitter by the official page of the film and also on its facebook. That certainly got me a bit teary eyed to see.

 

2. Is there a subject you would like to write about but haven’t quite figured out how to do it yet?

Oh definitely a lot of subjects like that, but I would have to say it was the big finale surprise for the end of my 12 Days of Halloween event. It is because I know I will get a lot of flack for it potentially with how I describe the series I will be talking about. Mostly because I don’t really like either of them and hoped more to have a bit of fun at their expense. One is a beloved series by many and to compare it to the other is a risk especially when it is to poke fun at the former. Who knows if I will actually go through with it and maybe tone it down a bit, but that is the one I am still struggling on how I want to do it. To not come off as hateful but merely to have a bit of fun for those who have experienced both or one.

 

3. What was the last random thing that made you happy?

Seeing my friends after a long break away from them. Enjoying good company, good wine, and just enjoying life for a solid evening of drunken marble race watching.

 

Scott from Mechanical Anime Reviews

1) What is a genre of anime (or a series if you want) that you haven’t gotten into yet, but you really want to try?

There is no genre of anime I haven’t tried so far. Though of course there are genres I want to experience more thoroughly much like romance (which is not my forte, have you seen me trying to woo someone…it ain’t pretty). Being a hopeless romantic I love romance movies done right, I still adore The Proposal starring Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds. Romance in anime however has bitten me a bit in how I couldn’t attach myself to the struggle or often got frustrated at what was going on. I should attempt more and see the full range anime has to offer.

 

2) What’s a hobby that you do, but not many of your blog followers know about?

A hobby I have that people don’t know yet. I think my biggest thing would be collecting a lot of different items in the entertainment medium and reorganizing them constantly. I am never satisfied for long of how I organize everything I collect and often restructure it every week or so. I surprisingly just enjoy doing it as a little hobby, a weekly routine that spawned from my hobby of collecting films, anime, etc. I mean I enjoy the search in bargain bins and closing sales, but there is something about the reorganization of my collection that puts a smile to my face.

 

3) What’s your favorite style of music?

My problem is I am a variety listener, often never really settling on a specific style. I fall victim to never really attaching myself to the style but rather the need to listen to something while doing something else. A wandering mind can prove most fatal and distracting myself with whichever music is available is a way for me to not get in my own head (much like exams). If I had to choose a style of music I enjoy I would say an orchestrated soundtrack from a video game. There is just something soothing about retreading nostalgia through music that I find amazing and nothing does that better than a good soundtrack.

 

Nominations

If you have received a nomination for this award before I am sorry for the renomination if you have expressed desire to not do another either at all or consecutively after the previous. I am not one to talk about responding to these nominations promptly either, so do with the nominations what you will. I hope you enjoy the questions if you do decide to answer though!

1. Karandi from 100WordAnime

2. Merlin from Merlin’s Musings

3. Chris from Peach’s Almanac

4. Jon Spencer Reviews

5. Remy from The Lily Garden

6. raistlin0903

7. Prattle from Seasonal Prattle

8. Two Happy Cats

9. The Otaku Judge

10. Ka-Chan from Ka-Chan Anime Reviews

11. Magnitude Reviews

12. Weekend Otaku

13. Inkling Infornography

Why not one more?

14. alfredopasta from Slice of Alfredo

 

If I forgot to put you in I deeply apologize. These upcoming questions can be answered by anyone if they feel so inclined. Just have fun with it! 🙂

 

Questions

1. What is your favourite antagonist in the entertainment medium and why? (Literature, Film, anime, television, etc)

2. You are making a film or television series and you have to come up with something to adapt, from what medium would you pick from and why would you choose that specific work to adapt?

3. Following the previous question, which visual medium would you adapt your work through and why? Animation or live action?


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Let your imaginations run wild everyone! I look forward to seeing how people answer (of course only if you want to, don’t want to force anyone to do anything). As for me it seems like my role here is done. So I will bid you all farewell for a time in the hopes of seeing you again shortly. As always, don’t forget to have yourself a wonderful day!