Splatter – The Movie that Broke My Heart

That title is certainly a bold statement. I have seen a pantheon of the worst cinema has to offer. Uwe Boll, Batman & Robin, Planes, but nothing seems to made me upset with myself after watching it. There is always this silver lining of “At least watching this can make me appreciate other things more, rounding out my opinions and the like to not be as cynical”. Well Splatter in just 30 minutes managed to make me realize that a silver lining does not exist every time. A short look at a short film that makes me question whether my grading on Planes (F) was a bit too harsh, this is Splatter.

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I am just imagining what the pitch for this film was.

Well what happens if we get a rocker to kill himself and chant something in a different language (we’ll say it’s African). He will then come back to life as a zombie, and terrorize a bunch of stereotypes and say cheesy lines while doing it. We will do this all in thirty minutes and it will mostly be about the prosthetics rather than anything else.

We don’t really have a solid effects budget for great prosthetics though…

Eh, we will make do with what we have. I mean someone will pick it up, right?

That is how much effort was put into this film as a whole. Nothing. Some films with low budgets you can tell they at least had fun doing it or had passion to create something, yet Splatter lacks a creative bone in its body. It is just there to kill some people and be done with it. It says who is going to die, then they die after having a few lines of dialogue. It is as cookie cutter as anything could be. Characters lack rational thought and willingly wander the house of the dead rocker in hopes of getting something. Why are you not actively trying to save yourself? Why do you think Johnny Splatter is still a bit sexy when he’s dead? Why did you revive that girl after killing her there are much better bass guitarists out there besides the one you brought to your house to kill? When does this movie try to make sense? When does this movie try to be funny? When does this movie try to be a movie? All of these questions are lost on me.

There is no reason to watch this film even if out of sure curiosity there are more bad films to be curious about. Nothing in this film is right and I for once in my time of looking at film, games, anime, or just watching things in general have just the dark pit in my chest of not realizing what to really say about a film like this.

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Then I looked it up and this was in fact a web series and a personal project of Joe Dante. Joe Dante is a director who makes interesting films even if not all of them have panned out I still enjoy a good amount of them. Small Soldiers, Gremlins, The ‘Burbs, this is a man who can do far better than this. That is where my heart kind of sinks a bit, because this was a personal project of someone who can make fun films. I mean he is not someone I particularly enjoy watching films from, but he’s not into just making films for the heck of it. Splatter is the only film I have ever watched that was devoid of something I would call passion. It is an excuse to kill people in bloody ways, but why? There is a reason why this film was just a web series because it feels like something for the creator and the creator alone. Maybe he had friends work with him, maybe he thought of something interesting and it turned into this, or maybe he just wanted a reason to make a b-horror movie like the good old days. I don’t know, but for others to watch this and for it to be on Netflix for viewing is just…pointless.

I hate doing things like this, and surprisingly the more I write my thoughts for things on posts these types of movies show up in my watching queue. I want to always say that there is something worthwhile for audiences about particular films that there is always a reason why the cinema keeps us coming back for more wonderment. We love cinema, anime, books, television shows, plays, musicals, live performances, all of these things in the entertainment industry because we can have just a fun time. That fun time is different for everyone, and is all special to each of us. Yet I can’t for the life of me fathom a way this film would exist for anyone but the person who created it. I feel bad for saying that, I feel bad for writing this, I feel bad because this is how I feel after watching this movie. It breaks my heart.

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It makes me think of all the cynical things I have said about specific works. Think about why films exist, and ponder about what makes me a fan. This film gave me a bit of an introspective look on what I do when I talk about films or anime or anything in the entertainment medium. Passion is something to be cherished even if it is oddly misdirected. In some way this film for being as bad as it was, did have a silver lining. It made me realize that I should be enjoying things a lot more than I do. It made me realize about my passion, and what film means to me as an individual.

Rating: F


A bit of a somber piece, more than I am used to and will not be a regular thing. I was not going into this thing expecting to think this much about me and film in general. To think about what passion is. I mean I guess one could say this film broke me a bit and I’ll need a bit to recoup. Luckily I have stuff to come out and it won’t bother my recent streak of having content come out. I just need some time to think. I hope everyone has a fantastic day and never lose your passion.

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One thought on “Splatter – The Movie that Broke My Heart

  1. Well…this sounds absolutely lovely. Really going to look up this film, and see if I can watch it : NOT. Well…at least you got a great and funny review out of it. Definitely going to pass on this one, that is for sure 😊

    Liked by 1 person

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