(I wrote this post last year and it has taken me some time to actually get up the courage to post it. I feel like that time probably should be now. This is just to clarify if things said sound like it was talking about 2019 but in fact I am just talking about 2018.)
I think that title best represents why it has taken me a while to get back on the horse and start writing stuff again. Finding passion is difficult when you are just trying to piece together yourself after a year of forced self-discovery. 2018…is certainly a milestone in my life. The feelings, the fears, the ambition, the fragility, the everything! So many conflicting emotions that push my boundaries of what I am and still at the tail end of it all I am still looking for the answers. Yes this will be a melodramatic post, yes I am going to have some dark fun with myself, and yes I suppose one could say the title may be clickbait. Funny how sometimes the honest thing can feel the most dishonest when on paper or seen through a screen. But hopefully when this is done, something happens with this blog again but no promises.
Well first off I should probably explain me, since I don’t know who will be viewing this post. Those who have read my posts prior to this will certainly have an image of me, but while there is some truth to that I can’t honestly say that the lie is much greater. I am a circus of emotions, trapeze acts flying back and forth in my brain. That is both of my own volition and of course the actions that have created me. I remember being happy when I was younger, when life was all about Yoshi’s Story, or trading Yugioh cards. Simple things, as the cliché goes, that were just meant to spend my time. It was after watching Treasure Planet that I learned the harsh reality of the world and thus my life began to spiral. I hated life for what it was, I hated others for what they did in my own mind canon, and I hated myself for not being able to do anything. I learned at a young age that emotions just aren’t worth experiencing.
So for however many years I spiraled, putting up fragile fronts wherever I went. I destroyed things because it was fun, I played the douche and victim because I learned that both reap rewards. Yet I was never happy, the mask merely represented happiness at all times. I loved my family and thus to avoid them worrying about me I hid away and now I have a hard time conversing with them. It was like a game of hide and seek that never ended as I let it fester and spread throughout my everyday life. Family get-togethers became difficult to take part in because I just didn’t feel comfortable around others. I alienated myself not only within myself, but I did so in real life as well even snapping at people I cared about because the pressure got too much.
At some point I reached the breaking point and the start of a long path to recovery! But as soon as the mask broke, there I was already sculpting another one from the clay of the previous. I am forever happy, because happiness makes the world go round right? That is what I structured myself around, putting on a smile. Yet this year I learned that my progress never truly happened, I just created a new lie. I was on the road to recovery and everything is fine. But I just wanted to die, every day of uncertainty driving a nail further into my coffin. I’ve wanted this to be over for so long. It was only this year that I couldn’t prepare myself and thus for the first time in a long time I was not composed. Thus we finally reach what we were going to talk about.
My ambitions this year have been a bit derailed. The plan of doing multiple posts for my 100 Follower celebration slowly faded as my desire to do anything stopped. It was like looking at a jammed clock for a while. You can see the hand weirdly twitching in the corner of your eye and you say to yourself “I have every intention of fixing that” but you don’t. It is just a constant reminder of what you should do, of fixing something, that incessant ticking sound keeping the image of the broken clock in your mind. But your limbs feel numb, your mind feels bare and eventually you just give up. The intention to fix that clock is gone and replaced with an acceptance with what is broken, but easily fixable. Then it’s the IKEA furniture you bought on a whim that is gathering dust in the corner of the room as firewood. Followed by the pile of clothes growing bigger and bigger until you realize you no longer have clean clothes. You say you are going to organize your collections, but feel like what does it matter it’ll just get messy again. Heck even those old hockey bobble heads are just staring at you while you sleep and you don’t even want to turn them despite how creepy they are. At some point, there becomes an acceptance of things just out of place.
That is where I suppose I was for the brunt of this year. I realized that my formula wasn’t helping me through it and then after just another review, I stopped. I stopped because March/April came and following that month…came a month of being on pain medication. Horrid visions of my failures, people I feel I have let down, my crippling self-reflection, it all came in at once and haunted my days. Due to factors out of my hands, I felt my life slipping. The perfect island I had devised…it was eroding from my feet and I could do nothing to stop it, or was it that I no longer had the will to stop it? There was only some sort of void.
Wowzers that felt a bit too real! I feel like I got a bit of whiplash reading that back to myself. So of course I will take a chance to slow things down. Did you know pain medication stinks? I know right! Everyone who isn’t on it at the time will say that you are so lucky to be given this stuff for free, and then those who have experienced a similar experience will just stare at you and give a sad smile. It is this odd thing of feeling lost in your own brain that makes your mental state hell and at times your physical state Benny Hill! I became this big buffoon sometimes, where I’d say something stupid and I don’t even get to profit off it by retelling it to people. It is like this strange comedy channel that you want to watch, but unfortunately you are the TV screen. I feel like a new DLC character from Cuphead just bopping around with a TV as my head to some great music. Make sure everyone around you has a video recording device, you’ll thank me.
Alrighty back to the heavy stuff. I suppose my world has been restructuring this month. The mind is like a maelstrom and two ships are heading on in full steam ahead. Some crazy people are there too, I see probably an octopus guy and a monkey. Though I suppose that is the mind, a weird assortment of things and always difficult to decipher even if you think you have yourself figured out.
Let’s talk a bit about that maelstrom shall we!
Remember that void I was talking about, well it swallows up everything. It gulps down will, suctions out the drive and leaves you sunken in an immobile state. It’s like a shake sucked dry by thirsty lips of some odd force that doesn’t have a discernible face. I mean you can’t even figure out who or what you should be upset at for the void has no corporeal form. It is just…there with you. Every face you look at, everything you enjoyed in your spare time, all of it becomes the void. For the void eventually starts to resemble you, as it has absorbed you. That was me. and where I was for a while. Lost in my own personal void. Tears, sobs, cries, drinks after sobering drinks, it all just fell into nothing. They could still be falling for all I know. I don’t see the bottom of the void. I guess I began fearing that at some point I would be falling in it as well, or was I just unaware that I was in a perpetual state of falling?
I just left it the way it was. I left my world out of place and accepted it. I accepted the void and accepted the thoughts that followed. I guess that is where I am now, struggling with that void. Having taken a step to realizing my limitations and decided to see if there is a ledge I can finally grab. At least then I might become stable again and feel secured enough to feel like I can start trying to find a way out of this earthly purgatory that is my mind.
I still find myself slipping back into the pain. Back into my thoughts. But I guess I am glad that it has become less constant. I am working on myself to make sure I am around for those who care about me. Even if not all of them are here anymore…And that’s something I’ll have to deal with.
I have questions that will never get answered swirling around in my head. I have problems that I know will never be solved. But coming to the point where I can live with them, I think I am starting to work towards that. Looking at myself and finally wanting to know the depths and maybe find that boy from so long ago who was honestly happy. Maybe I’ll find him someday. It would be a nice reunion.
This was a post for me. A post to get my thoughts down. If it helps someone, that’s great and I’m glad it did but I don’t know if that was the purpose. This was me trying to find that wall holding me back from things. Trying to find some answers while writing or getting over the hurdles I have been facing with maybe an epiphany. I don’t know if I did, but I sure as heck hope that I did somewhere deep down. I write to get down my emotions sometimes and I want to be truthful with myself for once in a long while.
I don’t know if I will ever post this. Though I know one thing that remains a constant even if I start back up again…
My Heart Still Aches, but that’s alright. Pushing forward alone is something I stupidly did for too long. The only way forward is to grab hands, to accept the kindness of others and truly accept that you need help. I am not alone…it took me far too long to fully realize that. I have finally started taking the first step and stopped lying to myself. I’ve accepted that I don’t need a mask and that by lying to everyone I am merely hurting them. Now living with myself doesn’t look like an impossibility…because I have other roommates beside me in this house called life. Smiling with me, having fun and accepting me. That’s truly magical.
Wow that got a bit too schmaltzy! XD
This is Schizoidmouse signing off, I hope you enjoyed the Chronicle of me in 2018 as vague as that might be. And don’t forget to have yourself an absolutely fabulous day!
This post was a long time coming. I have finally decided to shove it out there into the world to finally try and lift the weight it has become off of my heart. I’m hoping this reinvigorates my will to write, finally having this off my chest and expressing myself honestly for the first time in a while. No mask to hide behind, nothing. I am still making that trek towards getting better, but maybe with this I can start talking again with all of you and have some fun again. Well that is if people would still read this old blog of course (it’s been quite a while). I will need to get back into the swing of things.